Under Zealous

Or am I over zealous about the wrong things? All I've been thinking about is Florida and how I can't wait to go on vacation there with my friends. I still have a lot of school work and possibilities that are waiting to be taken care of. I have to seize them myself, this could be my biggest break ever and I'm not doing anything because my mind is elsewhere, trying to focus. Is that usually what I'm battling with? So many stimuli and I'm trying to focus on the one that matters the most but is the least appealing. Just this entry alone has taken me over 30 minutes because I'm distracted. The tv, music and people are in my room. I'm even surprised I got this far actually but now it must be time for class. I'm going do re-design this thing, it's kinda homey, or rather homely and bland. Put some videos or something on it, maybe a few links to a few pictures and finish up my project.

CARPE DIEM,

Sam E.

Search

Keeping up with my entries even though I didn't do as many as I should have over the weekend. Still looking for a job, this economy is hindering the process. Or is is just my plain laziness? I'm sure there are jobs to be had and money to be made somehow, right now I don't know how. I'm working on my movie as I write this. I thought it would be a grand engrossing project of mine like the music I made or similarly the comic book but it's not. It just as bad I thought it would be and I can't wait for it to blow over really. I love to watch film and interpret it and all the mediums we've been introduced to in class. Unfortunately I simply don't feel the same way about creating film.

I've seen different kinds of film, different genres and even different languages but this just isn't clicking with me. I guess it makes me that much more excited for the next creative medium. We've done 3d modeling, comic books, music and now movies. What's next?

patient,

Sam E.

I made this blog in class

Not exactly the subtlest title. But it's okay, I'm pretty sure I'm up to date with everything on my blog. The entries are decently sized and I have some good meaning in there. But I'm not sure about all the aesthetics, my page isn't very flashy or doesn't have all the images and other things people have. Is that okay? I'm not really sure. I learned how to cross-fade and downloaded some new applications while learning what to do with Kurtis. I also r received some new assignments from Professor Baldwin. I'm glad about heading this new cell phone media project. It's really my time to shine and display my abilities. Cell phones are something that have always interested me, mine never leaves my sight. The psychology and ergonomics of everything can be applied and to my limited knowledge there isn't much research in the field.


Instead of following the path laid in front of you, find your own.

Sam E.

The speed of sound

This is more or less a continuation of the last post. Girls. Women. Professor Baldwin is always encouraging us to explain and talk about the opposite sex. Why we do the things we do, how we find our mates etc. how our new culture embraces these changes. Would I call myself a womanizer? No. Do I love women? yes. There's something so egotistical in my pursuit of them though, it frightens me. I on more than one occasion; labeled it the bane of my existence. A strong and laughable choice of words at the time but the closer I come to fufilling my dreams the more that statement scares me. It's not physical as far as I know so far, it's more of a stroke. Of the ego. Never been a fan of incredible power, vast riches or anything like that. But the power of women is incredibly alluring. Maybe because of nurture? Perhaps when I would make an earnest attempt at a girl I would be teased of being a ladies man, just as every 5 year old kid would be when an adult found out about it. I would shy away from it but secretly love that attention. If that happens enough times it could provoke a certain mind-set.

Now for the first time with my new found knowledge and readings, attitude and style. I feel like I could put all these thngs into practice. My thoughts and fantasies are becoming tangible, and I'm already beginning to feel dull and predicatble. You know the advice for a situation like this? Dig deeper, see how deep it goes. Everything I read and I still feel like the biggest thing I got out of it is confidence. I fel like every girl wants me, and not in a cockyh way. I know, I know how could those two things go together, it just doesn't make sense. But a lot of thigns don't make sense right now. But maybe that's the way I like things, I'll make my own sense. In Sam's world. My Silver Tongue.

polishing,

Sam E.

Want

or Need. Which do we live our lives by now? Times have changed, water has become a rarity, in it's place carbonated beverages and artificial flavorings. Literature has taken a back seat to TV, why read a book when you can wait for the movie to come out? I can't say I'm not guilty of these crimes. If you can call them crimes. Maybe they're an improvement, since when have the ways of old been the right way? We used to live with racism and ignorance and nobody is complaining now that they're gone. At the same time things just don't improve, it's not that simple. It's not like a sequel that just becomes better 1->2. Some things are gained, some are lost. The universe has a way of balancing it's self out though, nothing is ever lost completely without an equal gain. People die everyday, babies are born everyday. We must not focus on what is seen, what is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal.

focused,

Sam E.

Sick...a bit

Here I am, a little bit under the weather again. having problems breathing, having problems catching my breath. A lot of it is due to last night, I'm dissapointed how he let me down. The part of me that doesn't want to give in because I layed my word down wants someone else to give in. So I have an excuse, a way to cover my tail. Save some face, what ever analogy or euphamism you might prefer. I have a hard time spelling that right....congestion is a terrible feeling. It's like having something there but not being able to use it. To feel it's possibility but have that possibility blocked off. My mind was congested before. It used to be, i felt like I had something I know I could use but didn't have the ability to set it free. Quite cartoonish but I pictured the example of a giant cork with a small string and gets yanked comiclly and all the bad stuff goes down the drain...litearlly.

spelling,

Sam E.

Strength

What does it mean to me? I've heard so many quotes, videos, songs and every possible form of media on it before. Many have said it better than I, before than I have. To me it's what I have on my chest, on my heart. My heart literally beats for it, I breathe it in and out everyday. I know that if I can't do something it says something about me, a weakness. Not about anyone else. For me success is showing up and not giving up. Ever. If I start something I must stick it out. I felt as though I would have so much more to say but perhaps I know everyt...No, there's so much more to it. I can't get cocky and I know that the moment I know something with certainty is the time when I should reconsider what I know or what I'm doing. Maybe it's just my words, my inability to organize my thoughts. Don't want to make excuses, I'm not that kinda guy. But I'll make it, on my quest to find out what it truly means to be Strong.

Push,

Sam E.

Persist

Is what I'm doing. Is that even spelled right? I can't give now. Missed the group meeting again, I have to make more moves for my future. I guess I did need the sleep after all and without my health I won't be able to do anything. I've always wanted o make a portfolio, it's so professional, I remember my Mom's and the idea that I would have one now at my age is both frightening and exciting. I can't be scared of my success, get out fo the shadow and find my own light. I know this will be rewarding if I put the effort in. I still haven't come up with a concept for my video, what could it possibly be. Hopefully I'll have a lot more free time with what happened with last night. Is my fear projecting onto someone else? I want someone else to do it just so I could keep my mouth and hands clean. To save face in every sense of the word. That's not something I want to do but I have doubts, everyone does. I have to learn to deal with them and triumph when I have them or who am I really?

After All,

Sam E.

Practice

makes perfect and nobody is perfect so why practice? Not only am I sacrificing and burning the candle on both ends but I'm not dong well In either. for a matter of fact I should be dressed by now otherwise I'll be late. trying to get everything done, we're already waivering while behind and that isn't good. is till haven't started on my movie, I just don't know where the hours of the day go anymore. I sleep eat and do my night thing and that seems to be all the time there is in the day for. I don't know how to keep everything up. I'm not breaking or anything or getting mentally overwhelmed, It's just an issue of time. Doing all those things is very unlikely. or maybe I could just be making excuses, I tend to try to drift away from excuses. I don't like them and think they're a cop out. And I'm not a cop out so I won't do em'

Figuring it out.

Sam E.

Deus Ex

Distance is short when your hand carries what your eye found.

I should already be working on the movie by now. I'm still not done plotting my comic though. I have much more work then I care for right now. Including my process has HW, can you believe that? I usually do this HW first because I think of it as so leniant and care-free. Just got a flashback of care-free gum large metallic looking 12 packs in the super market. Do they still exist? A lot of things seem to be dissapearing with the state of our economy. What's worse is all people do is talk about it. Family assignments make me feel awkward now, well even more so than before. And lucky for me that's all we've been doing lately. What should My movie be about, what conflict? I know what to do with the comic as soon as I got the guidelines and that small short but where do I go from here. I want many people to read my comic, I'm really proud of it.

Spend it all,

Sam E.

Machina

Don't know how I did it. I stayed up until 8 am yesterday. Slept for 2 hours and then went to bed at 3 after partying. Maybe this whole process really is showing me that I can go with out sleep. I'm tired right now but I'd never thought I'd look at home work for relaxation. It used to be the thing that got me the most frustrated. Now I just want to take a nice break. Think things out and write. Perhaps it's the kind of free thought assignments I have now. Is the bane of my existence really that strong? To compel me to do something like that. I met a random girl I started talking to on the train. My confidence has went way up but my openers are a little off. That's 3 this week...Should I go for 4 tonight. I really want to put my work first....I met my sister's side of the family. they're really nice people and have a great amount of hospitality. There are very few things that should be feared in this life. And I don't encounter them on a daily basis. Most people don't. Anxiety stress and many other negative feelings stem from fear. Fear of punishment, embarasment. I know I didn't spell that right but I'm not scared, nobody reads this after all..

Sitting by the dock of the bay,

Sam E.

Going back?

I almost wrote I was going home. But I don't think it's a place I can call home anymore...I was estatic when I remembered I was getting to be withy friends and drink. I felt worried because for the first time I was looking for alcohol as an escape. Which are tell tale signs of alcoholism...are my group activities rubbing off on me? I hope not negatively, I sought it after for how I could become bettered not get worse. Though I know I control myself, I am the master of my domain. I want to help; but I also want to live for myself. Struggling with identities, of what roles I play: I don't want boy friend to be one of them now. I wish I knew the right and wrong ways to do eerything in life. I'm so used to looking at cheats or some kind of FAQ finding the right answers. I do t know if I hve them anymore and don't k ow if anyone has them for me. The work just keeps piling up but it's okay. I know I'm able to handle it...


Speeding,

Sam E

Not bad

Keeping my head up. Lost one tonight but maybe I gained something too. Working on my psych mid-term, hope too do well. it really means a lot to me. Professor Baldwin reviewed my comic today and I got the positive feed back was looking for. I was re-affirmed with it. I put a ton of heart into that comic and I still am and it's good to know it could possibly be rewarding. Someone In my class was from hills, I got nostalgic. We have to start working on movies really making all different forms of visual things...we used. gimmie a break it's late I know, I know. I don't want to rush the end and want it to be really good but at the same time I want to keep the file size small. Well I guess I can't limit my self if I really want to do well. I feel like this could really go somewhere, I have confidence in my self and my product. Still in the same position despite our loss. I...We could do this.


going on,

Sam E.

Development

My thoughts, ideas, writing and everything else is becoming more refined. I'm developing a different style, growing and changing. It's good to know, for a while I felt as though I was stuck in some place in between destinations. Implacably going nowhere. I'm not going to dwell, on it though. Now is a time for change and action. I must be the change I want to see in the world. In the word of Ghandi. I felt frightened earlier, I began to pray. Try to find my center, solace. Did I find it? I know I performed well but part of me didn't hold up. How should I reduce this dissonance? Apathy, rationalizations, justifications or excuses? Or is the correct thing just to simply acknowledge it?

That's what I attempt to do. I noticed something about both my writing and thoughts. they are mostly open-ended questions. My writing are my thoughts manifested on paper, or rather in this case on the internet. I ask myself questions, I am after all a thinking man but at the same time it may result in uncertainty. But whenever I have a question or uncertainty I ask myself a question to try to find an answer. But Finding an answer with a question isn't always ideal.

Noble Notions,

Sam E.

Homeostasis

Is defined the ability or tendency of an organism or cell to maintain internal equilibrium by adjusting its physiological processes. I think this is what I'm trying to do right now. Trying to find or maintain an equlibrium is every organism's goal. To adjust with all the obstacles and blow's life throws your way. After all it is the firm oak tree which is the first to snap when strong winds come, whereas the willow blows in the wind. I could fill this whole blog with euphemisms and quotations but instead I'll just have to apply all these things. My comic so far is only 10 pages but the 10 pages are so very strong. I just want to sit down with Professor Baldwin and try to find a way for him to read it.

I also looked up all the definitions for what professor Baldwin requested. Ergonomics is a word I heard a lot from growing up and once I actually found out what it was-optimization of aesthetics in everyday life to my new a limited understanding. It seems great. Media psychology I touched the tip of the iceberg and it also seemed right up with my alley along with the very broad and encompassing environmental psychology. All these possibilities for the future are truly exciting.

head up,

Sam E.

Saturday's of ol' and new

Saturdays have changed their meaning for me as of late. I used to wake up watch cartoons and eat cereal, not even a year ago. But now, everything is so different. I set an alarm on my phone for saturday morning cartoons but I always dismiss it, I don't want to lose the child in me, my old hobbies and things that I thought define me. This saturday was spent differently, waking up late from last night, gym eating and finally the end of the night. Which turned out rather well ; )

I feel ambivalent about what's going on, a little uncertain. Am I losing myself or becoming something completely different? Or perhaps becoming more of what I really am. Either way my path ahead is cloudy and foggy, No. No it's not. The future is uncertain for weak people. For strong people the future is a goal, something to reach. The goal for now--sleep.

good night,

Sam E.

Day 3..9

In for the start of the process. Met a girl recently named Kerry, she's jubilant, cheerful and intelligent. I really want to get to know her better. I'll be seeing watchmen tonight with her. I'm going try my best not to pull any AFC moves and succeed on my goal. I have high hopes for Watchmen, the story is a master piece and if the movie is anything less I'll be really disappointed. Th graphic novel is a classic and touches on so many psychological themes that no work in it's category has accomplished so well. Megan ripped up the pictures I had up of her. That hurts. I have a lot of work to keep up on now that I'm busy most of the time and nights. I have to take full advantage to complete my goals now while I can. I'm really going to put some elbow grease in and get to it.

Working hard,

Sam E.

Leadership

What is leadership exactly? I've been told that I have it before, I've also been told that I lack it. I want to step to a position of power but that would mean I would be alone, isolated. No one would be my peer. I would be looked at for information and guidance but I don't feel much more. Lau Tzu said that to lead someone you must walk behind them, I find that enlightening but don't know how to act on it. How can you lead someone without telling them exactly what to do or subordinating them? I could be nice and soft-spoken but the result is still the same. It must be lonely being on top I think of people even higher than I and feel empathy for them. Is it a test of myself and my abilities or something completely different, a test of my leadership isn't really test of me. It's not just another quality like seeing how funny or smart I am, it's like an alter-ego. A super-hero even. How could Is say no to that? My mind tells me no and how illogical it is but my pride tells me yes.

contemplating,

Sam

The break up, really.

My girlfriend and I really broke up this time for sure. I feel so bad, I was the one to do it but this feeling won't go away. Her words felt like daggers to m hurt how hurtful they were. Hearing her scream and cry and beg and plead made me feel like worse of a person. She said she loved me and then cried that she hates me, is the really love? I told her I loved her and broke up with her, is that really love? I sometimes think with logic too much, very cold and curt I've been told. I knew I wouldn't be marrying her and I felt that I couldn't lead her on anymore and it would only get worse and harder to break up at that point. I need to be alone...I think. I can't care for someone, I might have to be selfish put myself first. I've been doing that in the relationship a bit and I noticed it. I just want to be free, I want to live MY life but don't want anything bad to happen to Megan. I still care about her and will never stop. I spent almost 2 of the most important years of my life with her. I could never forget that, my mom's passing. She was there for me. She's the most important person in my life. I don't talk to anyone as much as I did to her. She was the pillar for me, but I know I could learn to stand on my own.

Confused,

Sam E.

Steady

Catching up and taking it easy now. There's a lot of work to be done. I think discussing a legitimate idea would be better than just having random thoughts and going on tangents. So I'll choose a topic out of thin-air that somehow correlates to...my life. Acceptance, isn't it what we all seek? Don't we feel low when we lose it or try to gain it and fail? It's only human nature an it's unrealistic to say you'll never feel unaccepted or to always feel unaccepted. Every Dog has his day and sometimes the shit hits the fan too. merits and demerits are us actively seeking approval. It's only natural for us as social animals to want to be accepted, to belong somewhere. Sometimes I lack that feeling with such a small family and ethnicity. My sister is especially conflicting with this feeling and she looks to many different countries locations and other people to find herself, or so is my assumption. I don't like to judge. But I find to find your own character who you really are it is all a matter of introspection. Which I do pretty frequently.

bettering,

Sam E.

It's off to work we go

I'm a little behind on my blog, I'll have to make a few entries today. The multi-layered theme in class was very interesting. He said that all these stalkeers and bad things that can and usually do happen on the interenet are multi-layered. Obviously nobody is advertising rape and murder but they use a tactical veneer of social networking web sites or people connecting with technology. So many unfortunate things can arise from it like credit card fraud, spam and phising. Last night was crazy, I already have a journal but I'm sure sometimes I'll end up writing it here too. The stalking that comes from facebook too is undeniabe, people will check out someone's pictures, interests and whatever else they may have. It's a sense of power to watch someone without them able to watch you which is what I learned from one of my earlier media classes. I am going to take full advantage of professor Baldwin's group to get an outstanding portfolio so I could take the first steps to my adult life.


Growing,

Sam E.

SexyLoverBoy34

Was my screen name a few years ago....still is my screen name, e-mail address and account name for most sites. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, it still is, even the account name for this site. I think I got a good amount of finnancial aid, I hope. This blog is going to be pretty much my random thoughts and when I find something worthy to expand upon. I'm fine during my regular routine and course of the day but certain times evoke strong emotions....When people mention families or their mothers sometimes I just feel like giving it all up, so low. I'm wondering what I'm really good at? What's my calling? Some people know what they're going to do the instance they start doing it. With all the different callings there can be and niche interest, magazine and following.

finishing up,

SAm E.

Readings?

I haven't checked much of the readings yet. I'm unsure when they are assigned but if they are half as interesting as what the professor goes on his seemingly random tangents about I would love to learn and think like he did. Though perhaps a bit low-key and put together. Sometimes I feel as though I have all these great ideas but something gets lost in translation. I had this thought earlier and somehow managed to transport it from my head to paper. "I wish I spoke as well as I wrote, and wrote as well as I thought". I hope I didn't steal that from someone but it sounds captivating. I initially assumed having a blog would be a huge release but it turned more into a semi-daily ritual of complaining and lack of motivation. I know I had another entry similar to this but I really have to keep up and get my head on straight now more than ever. I don't have the luxury of video-games for hours and looking up random things on the internet. My entries have even gotten slightly shorter too.

bettering,

Sam E.

Snow Day

Yesterday I was a snow day and I enjoyed the day off. I didn't do much, put the 6th page on my comic. It is going really well, and I'm really proud of my work, I hope the professor feels the same way about it. Tomorrow I also start my fraternity business so I'm trying to get as much work done today as possible. I had an enlightening conversation with Tim, About how the fraternity pledge relationship is similar to the master slave relationship, who really needs whom? I'll have to keep this thought in my head during this whole process.

I still have to look up the topics professor baldwin gave me and finish my comic, it's going to be grand.

Here we go,

Sam E.

Comic LIFE

Last night I stayed up until 5 in the morning working on my comic book and got 5 pages done. I edited the text and the images until I felt just right about them. I feel like I found my first truly rewarding creative outlet in a long time. I felt like I discovered something great because of this class and I hope there is much more to follow. My orpehus inspired story is great, and Is ay that with complete confidence. I incorporated the film noir aspect with the melodrama, the different angles. I feel it's only getting better from here. I have a lot of story to cover and the only person I showed it too my roomate said that it needs a little more entertainment. I'm going to try to incroporate that and I hope the final product will be a good expression of my creativity.

elated,

Sam E.

Going...

Up late again. Catching up with my blog, I'm looking further into the story of Orpheus. A man who possesed incredibly abilities has to rescue his wife Eurydice from Hades. He was legendary with the lyre and was able to charm anyone and anything, even animals and rocks. Eurydice suffers a fatal snake bite and Orpheus has the goal of setting out to save her with just his lyre. He plays melodies sos weet that they lull the guardian of the under world Cerberus to sleep. I'm attempting to form an interesting urban film noir comic style to fit this interpretation of the story. I'm actually very excited to get started on this work. I have read my fair share of graphic novels and film noir is one of my favorite themes. This assignment is where I'll flourish hopefully. but I only have a day and other school work to due, I'm selling myself short. I really should have done more work and managed my time better. Here's to hopes for a good final product.

excelsior!

Sam E.